


That Really Goofy Deleted Scene

by Ultimatefan



Series: Gnomeland 'Verse [2]
Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: AND MORE STUPIDITY!, Alcohol, Also Jefferson is like the coolest friend ever, Cookies, Dildos, Drunkenness, F/M, Gnomes, I friend-ship Lacey and Jefferson in this fic SO HARD, Jefferson figurin shit out, MORE GNOMES!, WE'RE BACK BABY!, huzzah!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-14
Updated: 2017-02-14
Packaged: 2018-09-24 12:26:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9726851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ultimatefan/pseuds/Ultimatefan
Summary: Hey look! That “deleted scene” from the Gnomeland Security chapter “Oh Gnome You Didn’t” (this is referenced later in “Go Big or Go Gnome”) I promised forever ago!Basically ‘Lacey’ and Jefferson get SUPER hammered (or, you know, at least LACEY does), and yet more stupidity and dorkiness ensues. There’s a very small time jump forward from the very last ‘canon’ event in the “Oh Gnome You Didn’t” and this scene, so if the beginning sounds a bit ‘clunky’ to be something that stands on its own, that’s probably why XD





	

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Gnomeland Security](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7661683) by [Ultimatefan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ultimatefan/pseuds/Ultimatefan). 



> This segment was originally written to be the tail end of “Oh Gnome You Didn’t”, but, in reality, the more accurate ‘place’ for it is between “Oh Gnome You Didn’t” and “Go Big or Go Gnome” chronologically speaking.  
> It absolutely broke my heart to cut it from the main story cause I thought this concept was HILARIOUS, character-building, and touching at the same time, but it made the “Oh Gnome You Didn’t” chapter WAAAAAAY too long o_o; Also I meant to have this posted a LOOOONG time ago, but I kept wanting to go back and edit the damn thing for potential mistakes, etc, and never really got the chance until now! AND NOW IT'S FINALLY HEREEEEEE :D
> 
> This is also a “Happy Valentine’s Day” gift, and a HUGE [heavily belated] thank you to the fandom for getting Gnomeland Security nominated for the 2017 TEA awards!!  
> I’m still relatively new in the fic-writing game for this fandom so it was bloody amazing that I got ACTUALLY. NOMINATED! WHAT AN HONOR!!! I LOVE THIS FANDOM SO MUCH <3 
> 
> As usual, big thanks to everybody for being so kind and encouraging, and I hope to write more fics y’all will like, and maybe more that’ll get nominated for awards and such, eh? XD
> 
> Enjoy, lovelies!! <3

          A bit later, Jefferson finally approached Lacey’s place in his van once again. She couldn’t help but wonder just how many gnomes he’d managed to hide in Ruby’s place. Would it be similar to the amount she already had in her garage? She was already in pretty deep shit with the HOA and the _mayor_ now; though, so, in reality, what did it matter? She sighed to herself as she carefully removed her baking sheet from the oven, with the smell of freshly baked cookies now wafting throughout her little kitchen. Truly, her mother’s recipe never failed to put a smile on her face.

            She put the tray on her cooling rack when she finally heard Jefferson knock on the door, skipping merrily to the front door to let him in. As per usual, Jefferson had the most adorably dorky grin on his face upon seeing her, and quickly held up a six-pack of _very_ good beer in front of him.

            “Did someone order a 6 pack I wonder? Or maybe two? Or three?” he asked, holding a case in his other hand, and gently nudging a third case on the porch near where he stood with his foot.

            Lacey’s face lit up almost even more than his did, giggling with girlish delight for a moment before wrapping her arms around him and placing an adorable, slightly clumsy, wet kiss to his cheek and half dragging him inside. Jefferson smiled. _God,_ she was so much fun!  
  
            “So,” she began after closing the door. “You ready to get this started?”

            Jefferson couldn’t help but chuckle. “You’re getting _way_ too into this, aren’t you?” he asked her.

            “I just… I just want to stick it to that stuck up _mayor_ is all!” she huffed, with a light blush dusting her cheeks.

            “Funny, I could swear you wanted to get _Gold’s_ attention much more than the mayor’s…” Jefferson half muttered. 

            Lacey looked up from the cookware she began cleaning with confusion.

            “What was that?” she asked.

            “Oh, nothing, don’t worry about it, why don’t you have a drink? They’re nice and cold!” Jefferson said hurriedly, waving a nice cold beer in the air in front of him to entice her.

            “Oh _GOD_ , yes!” she cried, quickly wiping her wet hands on a towel to snag it out of his hand.

            Jefferson’s eyes widened as he saw her chug half the bottle of beer in practically no time at all, with her throat muscles working swiftly as she greedily swallowed large gulps of the beverage. Just when he was beginning to wonder if she would down the entire bottle in one go, she slammed the bottle down on the counter when it was about a quarter of the way full, exhaling with a satisfied moan of pleasure.

            “It’s been _ages_ since I’ve had beer that good! I _definitely_ owe you one Jefferson!” she said, playfully blowing him a kiss.            

            Jefferson slapped a hand on his cheek as if he’d ‘caught’ the kiss, pretending to swoon as he removed a bottle from the case, making Lacey giggle delightedly at his hammy antics.

            If he was being honest with himself, he could _definitely_ see why Gold was so clearly taken with her. Lacey had a nice figure, with curves in all the right places, an ass he was sure most men went absolutely _nuts_ over, picture-perfect curly hair, and eyes one could get lost in. If he were a bit younger than he was, and also not _very_ happily married, he could genuinely picture himself trying to rouse a date or two out of her just by her looks alone.

            He’d have to be _blind_ not to notice the way Gold’s eyes roved over Lacey’s figure when he probably thought no one was looking. To be fair, Gold _was_ very impressively subtle about it (when Gold could actually be seen in public that is), and Jefferson just happened to be very perceptive, but it was noticeable to him nonetheless.

            He _did_ have his precious Alice; though, who could never be bested by _anyone_ in his mind, no matter how pretty. Plus, he rather liked having Lacey as a friend. Her fun and quirky personality had already lead to so many fun adventures and mishaps thus far, and he had an absolute _blast_ hanging out with her. The _least_ he could do for his fun new friend was make sure Gold and Lacey could be “politely nudged” toward each other. Everything seemed to be going well so far, and, at this rate, all he really had to do was wait for them to jump each other’s bones. After all, those two dorks didn’t appear that far off from it…

            He was roused from his thoughts when Lacey tossed him her bottle opener so he could have a drink as well. He nodded in thanks, cracking open a beer with a _pop_ and drinking a couple generous sips. 

            “So what did you have in mind?” he asked in earnest.

            “Well, I don’t really want to block the walkway to be honest, since that _would_ be a problem, but, frankly, I say _nowhere_ is ‘safe’ from being covered in gnomes!” she giggled, thrusting her fist in the air with determination.

            “Girl, I _love_ the way you think!” he said, wiggling his eyebrows playfully.

            Lacey then decided they should get started with the delightful scheme while the cookies were cooling since they could take a cookie break part way through. Obviously Jefferson happily agreed, guiding her to his van so they could start piling up _more_ gnomes in her front yard.

 

            They talked and laughed while ‘decorating’, trying their damndest to keep quiet so they wouldn’t rouse any [extra] suspicion from her neighbors. As time went on though, there were a few times where poor Jefferson had to damn near cover Lacey’s mouth to prevent her from being too loud, and sometimes even physically hold her back from straight up waltzing up to Gold’s house, presumably to jump him while she was thoroughly intoxicated, also presumably believing he was buying her excuse to “ask Mr. Sexy-Pants to borrow a cup of sugar for her cookies”. He could already tell she had it _bad_ for Mr. Gold, but “Mr. Sexy-Pants?” now _that_ was hilarious, and something he was bound to bring up during the reception of their inevitable wedding down the road.

            Eventually they went inside to eat more cookies (and in Lacey’s case, drink more booze again despite already having quite a bit), and to warm up as it was starting to grow colder as the evening progressed. Lacey’s speech started to slur quite a bit more, and Jefferson could only be more and more amused by that.

            “Hey Jeeeeeeeffyyyyyy, didn’t you say you were in a drama club when you were younger? TELL ME A JOKE!” she practically hiccupped.

            He couldn’t help but wonder how being in a _drama club_ had anything to do with ‘telling jokes’, but he was quite sure Lacey couldn’t tell the difference at the moment. For God’s sake, she presumably wasn’t aware that she stripped off her own _shirt_ at some point [thankfully when they’d gotten back indoors] for reasons he couldn’t comprehend! Despite all this, he complied anyway. After all, this would only become a humorous story to tell her later when she was sobered up, wouldn’t it?

            “Alright then, ‘where do generals keep their armies? Up their _sleevies_!’” he said, imitating the ‘ba-dum _tissssss_ ’ noise of a drum and cymbal.

            Much to his delighted surprise, she _booed_ him.

            “That is SOOOOOO _middle school_! I mean, _I_ could do better than that!” she said triumphantly, as she then stood in front of him on slightly wobbly legs and cleared her throat.

            “WHEEEEEEEERE do poor _meatballs_ live?!” she half slurred, with the volume of her voice being all over the place.

            “I…I dunno-“ he said. 

            “THE SPAGHETTOOOOOOOOO!” she giggled, with her lilted voice only growing more accented.

            Jefferson couldn’t help but admit that it was pretty amusing just watching her cracking up at her own incredibly lame joke (and occasionally _snorting_ with laughter as well, which he thought was also adorable), but he _also_ couldn’t help but start getting into this lame joke-fest himself.

            “ _THE CANNIBAL THREW UP HIS ARMS!_ ” Jefferson said loudly enough for her to hear over her own laughter.

            Surprisingly, this actually made Lacey pause for a moment, being completely silent while her head tilted ever so slightly sideways until she starting absolutely _losing_ it again, damn near making Jefferson jump with how out of nowhere it was. She was practically crying she was laughing so hard by the time she spoke up again.

            “WHYYYY don’t ants get siiiiiiiick?” she asked him.

            Before he could even ask ‘why’, she burst out: 

            “BECAUSE THEY HAVE _LITTLE AAAAAANT-Y BODIESSSSSS!_ ” she sputtered, almost dropping the bottle she had in her hand in her enthusiasm. 

            After even _more_ incredibly lame jokes, Jefferson tried to get her to go outside. He thought that maybe the cold night air would sober her up at least a little, but nope! He was quite wrong on that one. Thankfully, they had just about placed the last of the gnomes she wanted in her front yard, making quite the impressive mountains on either side of her walkway when she turned to him to tell another joke. He could see her head starting to bob a bit, and her eyes slowly fluttering closed with tiredness.

            “HEY, SO, WHY DO SCUUUBADIVERS FALL BACKWARDS ON THE BOAT? CAUSE IF THEY FELL FORWARD, THEY’D STILL BE ON THE BUTT-“

            Jefferson thanked his lucky stars he had quick reflexes as Lacey decided to pass out right after finishing her lamest joke of the night, and caught her before she could crash into one of the massive piles of gnomes. Even as her accent became incredibly heavy as she talked, he knew that she had _wanted_ to say ‘boat’, but this was too damn funny regardless. 

            He carried her back inside with a smile, and he somehow managed to get her into her room, and tucked into bed as her breathing evened out and she produced adorable little snores. He quietly filled a glass with water, placing it, along with some aspirin on the little nightstand next to her bed, which, amusingly, had a pastel-colored vibrator sticking ever so slightly out of a nice, velvety case on top of it already. It took all the mental strength he had not to start cracking up, figuring poor Lacey had _not_ anticipated him coming in here at all. Thankfully for her, he held no judgment against her whatsoever, even making a mental note to casually [in private of course] ask her if she had any ‘suggestions’ on a nice toy to buy for his precious Alice. After all, it actually _did_ look very nice from what he could see of it, with the toy being _ribbed_ (in a way), and overall quite appealing, and almost _classy_ looking. Of _course_ Lacey would own something like this… how could she go for anything less?

            He carefully placed it fully into its case, and decided to stick it in one of her drawers. He figured there was a good chance she kept it there anyway, and it wouldn’t get damaged or full on _broken_ if she woke up with practically no awareness of her surroundings. He packed up the remaining beers, and collected himself to leave, when a thought suddenly struck him.

            Jefferson entered the kitchen, plucking up a couple of cookies, and putting them in a little bag. He even drew a little heart on it for laughs, and placed it near the glass of water he left for his inebriated friend. After all, she was bound to get hungry _eventually_. She’d thank him later, he was sure. He then turned off the lights as he went, closing the front door as quietly as he could upon leaving her house. There was _bound_ to be an interesting story or two that came from this, and he couldn’t wait to hear all about it later.

**Author's Note:**

> ...in case you're wondering, the closest thing I can imagine being the toy Lacey has on her nightstand is this: https://www.jimmyjane.com/glass-double-sided-massager


End file.
